Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
