all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
