im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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