my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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