I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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