i just sent this text using only my big toe
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
