I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
