My liver just broke up with me...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
