Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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