Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
