It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
