Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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