I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
