i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
