the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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