i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
