i used baking grease as lip gloss
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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