He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
