just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize