what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
as a side note pls kill me
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
