I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
