i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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