I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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