Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize