Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
