why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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