He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You are the jesus of drinking
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
