Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
