I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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