somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
