That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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