Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
