Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
