Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
