If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
