The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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