I wish I could teleport
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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