just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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