Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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