I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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