Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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