Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
