I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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