i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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