Whod you bang
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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