between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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