I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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