the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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