He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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