I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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