Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
