i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize