He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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