My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
