I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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