Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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