maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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