Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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