Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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